As many of you don't know nearly every year I take a trip with my
brother. It used to be we'd go white water rafting but after a
memorable trip down Cherry Creek of the Tuolumne we decided to
"retire". We felt that having barely survived the Class 5+ rapids
combined with advancing old age we could safely and proudly look for
other pastimes without any guilt.
So for the past few years we've been taking trips to racetracks.
Thoroughbreds! Sure, I have Santa Anita, Hollywood Park, Del Mar,
Fairplex (Pomona), and even Los Alamitos at my disposal but we've been
looking for old, obscure, or cheap-to-fly-to tracks. Emerald Downs
(Seattle), Turf Paradise (Phoenix), Fort Erie (Buffalo), and Hastings
(Toronto) are among the many tracks that have all smelt the arrival of
the Oisboid Brothers. And after the amount of money we usually drop
they usually are glad to have us return.
Anyway. This time we went to Sunland Park in El Paso. The track is on
the scale with Fairplex - pretty much scraping the bottom of the
equine barrel but with the occassional four-legged gem to bet on.
Sunland racing mixed quarterhorses and thoroughbreds and, for once, we
handicapped quarterhorses. We also won at quarterhorses - 6 out of 8
races. As Joy would probably write it: It was about speed, baby!
Simply figure out the fastest horse and the bugger is likely to win.
The catch is that the rest of the bettors know this and bet
accordingly. Ergo and thusly, you have to bet the favorite which ends
up paying crap. And so you hedge your position with exactas and
trifectas, trying to find the decent combo to pay you something
without busting your bank in the process. Simply, we won 6 out of 8
races but didn't really come out ahead. We'd bet, for example, $12
total on a $1 4-horse exacta and trifecta box, win, but collect maybe
$7 because the favorite, as expected, won.
And then we got our butts handed to us in thoroughbreds. Sure, we hit
a few but as usual we ate our meager winnings - literally. Gotta eat!
And ended up down a tad for the trip. The fun, of course, is being
together in brotherly harmony.
El Paso is kind of like Las Vegas but without the glitz. Border town
flavor of course and very nice people. Ft. Bliss is located there so
you had a definite military presence. UTEP is also there so college
kids were seen.
Surprisingly, except for the airport, we didn't see a single coffee
joint. No Starbucks! Mega, Super, Wal-Marts - yes - but no Seattle's
Best.
I lost my Hooters virginity! Yep, we went into the Hooters looking for
a late dinner and to see if perhaps the "Best of El Paso" were to be
located within. We were not disappointed unlike other circumstances.*
Hooters. Very nice - lots of families there. It'd been nicer if
dipshit me didn't open my mouth. El Paso is a Tecate town. Everywhere
is Tecate. Everyone drinks Tecate like water. So we get seated and the
waitress comes over, bends appropriately, and asks what we want to
drink. (Look *UP* Ozzy!) Idiot moi looks at her and too loudly asks
"Do you serve Tecate here?" I swear the whole place went stone
silent. All eyes looked at the stupid gringo. Babies measured how far
to throw their nuks at me. I crawled under the table for safety.
Surviving the first round, I then ordered a Fat Hat - custom brew from
Colorado. Very nice. But I still got the hairy eyeball from some folks
as we left. I'd be willing to go again, take the kids...
And that's how I spent my winter vacation - all 3.5 days of it.
Ozzy
* (Do *NOT* ask about El Paso strip joints. Some visuals are best left
unmentioned, however bikini manafacturers must go through hellacious
stress testing of cramming flesh into suits 3 sizes too small. They
must use titanium thread ofr something.
And I don't mind women weighing more than me, except when they're 4'7"
with bushier mustaches. I kept thinking Lucha Libre - give them masks,
gracias!!!)
Errr, to clarify, my brother and I would never avail of such demeaning
establishments. We don't do that sort of thing. Instead we do
"research" from the outside of such places so that we may properly
reinforce our moral superiority and save the cost of admission in the
process.
OK, we're too cheap dammit.
Received on 2004-01-21 15:32:01
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